Yea, Yea. I'm Back.

It's 10:24 p.m. and I'm watching the remainder of the 49ers vs. Cardinals game on Monday Night Football.  I'm about halfway done with my first Coca Cola Classic of the evening and I figure now might be a good time for a Kellen update.  Becca did a good job and all, but I've had enough folks butter my ego enough to post again.

Well, the babies are close.  We don't have a bag packed to go to the hospital or anything, but I'll be a proud father of two in less than two months (according to most of you).  

Since the last update a lot of time has been spent preparing the house for the arrivals.  The kids have their own room all done up with more stuff than I know what to do with.  Apparently we need it all and I think we still have another shower to go.  I haven't been to one of these yet and honestly, I don't plan on going.  But thanks for all the stuff guys! (Seriously, I know I'm sarcastic alot, but we do appreciate it).

Prior to actually getting the stuff, we had to do one of the things I hate most in the world:  shop for it.  Good grief I hate shopping.  More than anything.  Every time Becca asks me to go to the grocery store it puts me in a pissy mood.  Sure, I go, but I don't speak the entire time and I basically follow behind her with a dead man walking kinda thing going on.

So we go to Target and look at baby stuff.  Now, let's be honest.  I am a 23 year old male who knows about baseball, guitars and moonjumps.  Somewhere in there, I never really picked up a great knowledge of babies.  So I've learned a lot of new words lately.  "Boppy" is apparently a real thing said by adults on a near-daily basis.  Who knew?

At one point, I think Becca actually set me up to look stupid (I guess it's revenge for laughing at her every time she asks me how to spell things like cheese).  So we're strolling through the stroller section (GET IT?!?!) and then we wander into the cribs aisle.  To me, these things don't look big enough to hold actual babies.  Granted, I don't really know what size children are, but still, I've seen enough movies to judge and say, "they're going to grow out of those pretty soon."

Let the chuckles begin.  Apparently, somebody somewhere decided it would be a good idea to make scale models of the cribs.  What the hell??  Who does that??  If I go buy a car, I don't want to see a scale model.  I want to see the actual car.  What good is the scaled version going to do except cause me to say, "doesn't that look small?"  So Becca got a good laugh out of that.

When we're in the actual baby aisle, I'm basically a 3-year-old asking his mom random questions.  What does this do?  What is that for?  Do babies really do this?  And the answer:  yes.  Apparently they do vomit enough to require about 18 dozen bibs.  And they do poop enough to have a ready supply of like 500 diapers.  

We currently have no more room to put diapers, so they're sitting in our guest bath tub.  That was my idea.  Genius, I know.

Other fun events to prepare for kids:  putting baby stuff together.  I've always heard difficult directions referred to as "stereo instructions."  Well bump that.  From now on and for the rest of my days they will be known as Graco instructions.  

I don't know anything about Graco except that their Director of Directions should be shot.  In the foot.  And then slapped on the lower back before being forced to show me how Diagram 9.7 makes any semblance of sense at all.

I'm sure it's a great company and according to our catalog of items they appear to be the Clear Channel of the baby world, but damn.  GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE.  If the pack and play is impossible to put together to begin with, the idea of breaking it down and moving it from place to place is a bit misleading.

So that was a pain.  And so was the crib.  And so was the second crib.  And so was the swingy thing that turned itself on the other night and caught our attention as we were leaving the house.  That's right.  Dark house + baby swing moving on its own = bad combination according to all of the '80's horror movies I love so much.  

At least we just got a really big TV.  That way if our kids get sucked into it by an angry dead Indian carcass we have a good shot of finding them, right?  If the big giant oak tree in the back reaches through the window and tries to eat me though, I'm out.

ps - Anquan Boldin just scored.  Which ruins my placement in fantasy.  He's not on my team, or my opponent's team, but he did just win it for another guy in the league that I needed to lose so that I could move up into the top spot.  DARNIT.