And I'm Back

Kellen here.  Becca has been trying to convince me to write on here again for a while.  Now I want to purchase a drum set and I'm hoping this butters her up . . .  so HERE I AM!!!!  Nothing like true emotionality, eh? 

So we're about six months into this whole parenting thing and I'd say we're doing a helluva job considering the experience we both had.  I've changed dozens of diapers and only really passed off one raunchy one.  I think it was Maddux . . . .  but seriously, that shit was awful.  Whew.   

I have to be honest and say that I don't really read this thing so I don't know what's been posted since the last time I wrote one.  So I'm going to play catch up.  Since the babies were born, I've been transferred to a new position with my company that allows me to be on a normal 8-5 schedule Monday through Friday.  So now I'm at home a lot more with the kidd-0's and Becca.  Speaking of Becca, she has decided not to go back to school next year and will instead be staying home with the children.  Hopefully this arrangement works out good enough so that I won't have to sell the drumset I'm currently pining for.   

Like I said before, the babies are six months old now.  Six months, ten days, nine hours and roughly 12 minutes to be exact.  And no, I didn't have to look that up or ask Becca, thank you very much.  We're currently dealing with Avery preparing for her first teeth.  I listened to a lot of "screaming Jesus" music back in the day (and still do . . .  by the way, Beloved's Failure On is still a fantastic album.  I don't care what you say.  Ben.), but I've never heard ANYTHING like what this child produces.  Her lungs are the size of chicken tenders, but this kid makes my ears ring.

She doesn't take a pacifier.  She won't even get in her Johnny Jump-O deal whilst screaming in agony.  So the only thing that makes her calm is Baby Einstein.  I'm going to go ahead and admit that I am a hypocrite and a half on this one.  Before, I said these videos were garbage that just brainwashed your kids and made them lazy before they knew what lazy was.  Holy hell was I wrong.  At this point, you could tell me that the Pope, Madame Curie, Winston Churchill and Leonardo da Vinci worked together to come up with this and I'd probably believe you.  (Editor's note:  I apologize if I am rambling.  I actually left to go purchase some Baby Orajel after Madame Curie.  True Story.)

So yeah, Avery girl and the Mad Man go nuts over Baby Einstein.  Luckily, those folks were smart enough to add a Repeat Play button on the Main Menu.  That allows fathers to take care of the children on their own when the mothers go out to eat with their friends and don't want to take the babies.  So thank you Disney Corporation.

I am doing quite well as a father though, if I do say so myself.  I've only gagged like once (see above) and I'm not that much of a deadbeat.  In fact, I've actually learned several important things that I'm going to share with you now.  I probably should've known a few of these before, but I didn't.  So here goes:

1. Don't EVER mess with a happy baby.  I don't care what they're doing.  Leave them the hell alone.  
   
2. There are different sized nipples for baby bottles (who knew?!).
3. Dogs love dirty diapers.
4. The snot sucker squeeze bulb deal makes some seriously gross noises.
5. Dogs love the snot sucker squeeze bulb deal.
6. Babies don't enjoy watching X-Box 360 as much as I had hoped.
7. Related to #6, I still made it to 2017 on NCAA Football before they started staying awake.
8. Spit up can still happen even if the kid hasn't eaten in 2 1/2 hours.
9. Mark Lemke apparently listens to Elton John on his Verizon wireless phone.
10. Unless they're doing that 'crying so hard they can't breathe' thing, they're just wanting attention.
11. Baby monitors can pick up farts.  I heard it.  I didn't unleash it.
12. Handy Manny is actually voiced by Wilmer Valderrama.
13. The wrench on Handy Manny is the awkward guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
14. Wendy's is my favorite form of fast food.  Except for the one on Lake Harbour and Old Canton.  That one can burn in hell.
15. My sister can't take baby vomit.  
16. Maddux really likes throwing up on my sister.
17. Double strollers don't fit through most doors.
18. In the middle of the night, just act like you don't hear the monitor.  That way Becca wakes up instead.  It usually works.
19. Night games when it's 45 degrees = a bad idea with two month olds.
20. Babies are pretty much the coolest things ever.

So that's a very small sampling of the knowledge I've gained over the past half year or so.  I'll be sharing more over the next few weeks.  I just figured I'd give a quick update.  Now, if you laughed at any point, please leave a comment informing Becca to let me purchase my drum set.