Madduxsan

So yesterday morning as Avery was stirring, Becca and I were getting ready to go on a brief roadtrip to Memphis.  Avery was all fed and happy when Maddux woke up hungry.  Becca walked in with a bit of concern and said that his nose was bleeding.  Obviously, this strikes a chord with a parent so I gave him a quick look over and determined that he had quit bleeding.  He still had a bit left over in the nostril, so we used the snot sucker squeeze bulb deal to clean him all up.

After I got done feeding him I went to investigate.  There was a bit of blood on random spots around the sheets and Becca figured that he had scratched himself.  I, however, have another theory.  Please know that this is my best guess, as I was not awake when the event occurred.  

Here's what I think went down:

So at some point after Becca and I went to bed, Maddux was disturbed by a sound outside.  The babies actually have a door instead of a window in their room, so it stands to reason that somebody might try and enter through there.  So Maddux perked his little ears up and listened intently.  Outside he heard two voices, but he couldn't recognize the language.  

So he stood up, turned off his monitor and quietly lept out of the crib and crawled to the door to get a better look.  He peeked his head out the pokadot curtains and he saw TWO NINJAS!  At this point, the ninjas had a lock-picking kit out and were working on the deadbolt.  Maddux knows that the best tool in the art of war is the element of surprise . . .  so he made his way to the living room.  Mad Man got a running start and jumped through the glass of the front door, slightly scratching his nose on the landing (that's when he started bleeding).  

This startled the ninjas, who now turned around to face Maddux.  At this point he said something to the effect of, 'Just what the hell do you think you're doing?'  Through broken English the ninjas introduced themselves as Wigwam and Jeff and explained that they were here to destroy him because he was the chosen one who would bring about the end of their centuries old sect of evil, ancient warriors.  At this point they both bowed out of respect and then they DREW THEIR SWORDS!  ON OUR FRONT PORCH!  THOSE BASTARDS!

Now, most people would consider a six month-old baby up against two sword wielding ninjas to be at a slight disadvantage.  But not Maddux.  That kid's a hardass and a half.  So he fought valiantly to defend his house and family against Wigwam and Jeff, the black ninjas of death.  After a long battle, Maddux managed to unarm Wigwam.  He used his weapon to kill Jeff and whilst doing so Wigwam escaped into the night.  

At this point, it was close to 5:30 or so, and Maddux knows that his big sister wakes up around 6:15 every morning.  He knew he had to get rid of Jeff's body, so he quickly grabbed a shovel and started digging in the flowerbed in the front yard.  I've been working hard to finish the flower bed for the last week or so and only one side had mulch, so Maddux dug up the unfinished side and buried ol Jeffrey.  At this point, he went ahead and did Daddy a favor and mulched over the second half.  Thanks kidd-0.

At this point, Madmartigan still had to replace the window in our front door, so he hotwired the Nissan Altima in our cul-de-sac and drove to the glass company down the road.  On the way, he saw Wigwam wandering aimlessly down Highway 51.  He quickly swerved and took care of Wigwam, made his way to the glass hop and shoplifted a piece of glass that fit PERFECTLY.  Normally, I wouldn't condone stealing, but in this case, the store was closed and he needed it.  I'll swing by on Monday and see if they're missing a 9x4 inch glass pane.  

Finally, Maddux snuck back into the house and replaced the glass pane.  He heard Avery starting to cry, so he quickly crawled up into his crib and layed down.  As Becca started to walk down the hall he forgot that he hadn't turned his monitor back on!  So he quickly jumped up and flipped the monitor on before laying back down quickly (this is how he smeared the blood on the sheets).  By this point, he was so tired that he took a 45 minute nap before hunger got the best of him and he woke up.

Man, that kid's a badass.  Like I said, I can't be sure about all of this, but it is by far my best guess.  Nobody else has offered any other explanations, so until you do, just accept this as the likely truth.  Also, don't ever tell him he's been a bad boy and will get coal for Christmas.  I'm scared of what happen to me in my sleep.

As you can see, Maddux has been in training for quite a while.  He's about three months old in that picture.