Infection

So today it finally happened . . .  the babies are ill.  We went 7 months willing killing the little punks, let alone infecting them with anything.  Personally, I'd say we surpassed most people's expectations.  So the last couple of days Maddux has been extremely whiny.  He always wants to be held and won't go three minutes without crying.  He's also decided to wake up between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. wide awake.  Thanks for that bud.  Mommy and Daddy REALLY appreciate it.

So this morning, Avery woke up at 5:45 and unfortunately had both nostrils full of phlegm.  Becca, being an angel, decided to let me sleep and get up and get her.  Personally, I think Becca was making up for the fact that she woke me up at 2:15 and told me to go put MadMan's pacifier back in his mouth (unbeknowst to her, and especially to me who woke up out of bed and limped into their room, he had his pacifier firmly stuck in his mouth).  So yea, Becca wakes up and takes care of her.  She goes to work with the snot sucker squeeze bulb deal and determines that something is wrong due to the insane amount of snot extracted from nostrils A and B.

So Becca, like a good mom, takes little Avery to the doctor.  He says it's very clear that she has a cold and ran a strep test for precaution.  He said that was just a precaution and that she didn't appear to have strep.  You know how when you're playing NCAA '09 and you have like 7 seconds left to go in the game and you're up on your rival by like 3 points deep in their territory and know that you need to impress the recruits with a bigger margin of victory so you throw an ill-advised pass that gets picked off and returned for a touchdown and you end up losing the game AND the recruits?  That's sort of like this.  (No?  Has this never happened to anybody else?  Are you telling me I'm the ONLY one who's ever done this?!?!?!  EA YOU SUCK!!!!)  Anyway, moral of the story:  Avery had strep.  Considering she and Maddux share the same spoon, we're going to go ahead and assume so does he.

So Becca gets a prescription and has it filled.  She brings Avery home and begins to give it to her and Avery says, "Now wait just a darn minute!"  This really isn't unexpected.  She said her first word last week:  Ohio.  No kidding.  She said it!  So Avery is apparently a health freak (I don't know who she got that from) and demanded to inspect the medication before she consumed it.  You can see proof below:

 

Obviously, she approved of the medicine as she immediately began to chug it.  Again, pictured below.  Do it to it, Avery girl.

 

Maddux obviously doesn't care.  This is the face that he made when Becca informed him that he might possibly be infected and would have to take medicine.  Let's hope he's an athlete or something.

 

Immediately after chugging his medicine, Maddux was distracted by another sound at the door.  Wary of the underground clan of ninjas that is obviously after him, he quickly scanned the area for danger.  Luckily, it was just the stupid dog from down the street that likes to pee on the tires of cars parked in the driveway.  Rest easy today, my son.

 

Handsome Baby Boy

 

Beautiful Baby Girl

 

Way to GO!!!

We officially have TWO sitting babies! Don't they look SO grown up? 

Flashback

Holy Cow. 6 months, 2 weeks and 1 day ago I was this large....It's hard to believe that the babies are already 6 and a half months old. Is it crazy that I already cry about them getting bigger? 

Madduxsan

So yesterday morning as Avery was stirring, Becca and I were getting ready to go on a brief roadtrip to Memphis.  Avery was all fed and happy when Maddux woke up hungry.  Becca walked in with a bit of concern and said that his nose was bleeding.  Obviously, this strikes a chord with a parent so I gave him a quick look over and determined that he had quit bleeding.  He still had a bit left over in the nostril, so we used the snot sucker squeeze bulb deal to clean him all up.

After I got done feeding him I went to investigate.  There was a bit of blood on random spots around the sheets and Becca figured that he had scratched himself.  I, however, have another theory.  Please know that this is my best guess, as I was not awake when the event occurred.  

Here's what I think went down:

So at some point after Becca and I went to bed, Maddux was disturbed by a sound outside.  The babies actually have a door instead of a window in their room, so it stands to reason that somebody might try and enter through there.  So Maddux perked his little ears up and listened intently.  Outside he heard two voices, but he couldn't recognize the language.  

So he stood up, turned off his monitor and quietly lept out of the crib and crawled to the door to get a better look.  He peeked his head out the pokadot curtains and he saw TWO NINJAS!  At this point, the ninjas had a lock-picking kit out and were working on the deadbolt.  Maddux knows that the best tool in the art of war is the element of surprise . . .  so he made his way to the living room.  Mad Man got a running start and jumped through the glass of the front door, slightly scratching his nose on the landing (that's when he started bleeding).  

This startled the ninjas, who now turned around to face Maddux.  At this point he said something to the effect of, 'Just what the hell do you think you're doing?'  Through broken English the ninjas introduced themselves as Wigwam and Jeff and explained that they were here to destroy him because he was the chosen one who would bring about the end of their centuries old sect of evil, ancient warriors.  At this point they both bowed out of respect and then they DREW THEIR SWORDS!  ON OUR FRONT PORCH!  THOSE BASTARDS!

Now, most people would consider a six month-old baby up against two sword wielding ninjas to be at a slight disadvantage.  But not Maddux.  That kid's a hardass and a half.  So he fought valiantly to defend his house and family against Wigwam and Jeff, the black ninjas of death.  After a long battle, Maddux managed to unarm Wigwam.  He used his weapon to kill Jeff and whilst doing so Wigwam escaped into the night.  

At this point, it was close to 5:30 or so, and Maddux knows that his big sister wakes up around 6:15 every morning.  He knew he had to get rid of Jeff's body, so he quickly grabbed a shovel and started digging in the flowerbed in the front yard.  I've been working hard to finish the flower bed for the last week or so and only one side had mulch, so Maddux dug up the unfinished side and buried ol Jeffrey.  At this point, he went ahead and did Daddy a favor and mulched over the second half.  Thanks kidd-0.

At this point, Madmartigan still had to replace the window in our front door, so he hotwired the Nissan Altima in our cul-de-sac and drove to the glass company down the road.  On the way, he saw Wigwam wandering aimlessly down Highway 51.  He quickly swerved and took care of Wigwam, made his way to the glass hop and shoplifted a piece of glass that fit PERFECTLY.  Normally, I wouldn't condone stealing, but in this case, the store was closed and he needed it.  I'll swing by on Monday and see if they're missing a 9x4 inch glass pane.  

Finally, Maddux snuck back into the house and replaced the glass pane.  He heard Avery starting to cry, so he quickly crawled up into his crib and layed down.  As Becca started to walk down the hall he forgot that he hadn't turned his monitor back on!  So he quickly jumped up and flipped the monitor on before laying back down quickly (this is how he smeared the blood on the sheets).  By this point, he was so tired that he took a 45 minute nap before hunger got the best of him and he woke up.

Man, that kid's a badass.  Like I said, I can't be sure about all of this, but it is by far my best guess.  Nobody else has offered any other explanations, so until you do, just accept this as the likely truth.  Also, don't ever tell him he's been a bad boy and will get coal for Christmas.  I'm scared of what happen to me in my sleep.

As you can see, Maddux has been in training for quite a while.  He's about three months old in that picture.

And I'm Back

Kellen here.  Becca has been trying to convince me to write on here again for a while.  Now I want to purchase a drum set and I'm hoping this butters her up . . .  so HERE I AM!!!!  Nothing like true emotionality, eh? 

So we're about six months into this whole parenting thing and I'd say we're doing a helluva job considering the experience we both had.  I've changed dozens of diapers and only really passed off one raunchy one.  I think it was Maddux . . . .  but seriously, that shit was awful.  Whew.   

I have to be honest and say that I don't really read this thing so I don't know what's been posted since the last time I wrote one.  So I'm going to play catch up.  Since the babies were born, I've been transferred to a new position with my company that allows me to be on a normal 8-5 schedule Monday through Friday.  So now I'm at home a lot more with the kidd-0's and Becca.  Speaking of Becca, she has decided not to go back to school next year and will instead be staying home with the children.  Hopefully this arrangement works out good enough so that I won't have to sell the drumset I'm currently pining for.   

Like I said before, the babies are six months old now.  Six months, ten days, nine hours and roughly 12 minutes to be exact.  And no, I didn't have to look that up or ask Becca, thank you very much.  We're currently dealing with Avery preparing for her first teeth.  I listened to a lot of "screaming Jesus" music back in the day (and still do . . .  by the way, Beloved's Failure On is still a fantastic album.  I don't care what you say.  Ben.), but I've never heard ANYTHING like what this child produces.  Her lungs are the size of chicken tenders, but this kid makes my ears ring.

She doesn't take a pacifier.  She won't even get in her Johnny Jump-O deal whilst screaming in agony.  So the only thing that makes her calm is Baby Einstein.  I'm going to go ahead and admit that I am a hypocrite and a half on this one.  Before, I said these videos were garbage that just brainwashed your kids and made them lazy before they knew what lazy was.  Holy hell was I wrong.  At this point, you could tell me that the Pope, Madame Curie, Winston Churchill and Leonardo da Vinci worked together to come up with this and I'd probably believe you.  (Editor's note:  I apologize if I am rambling.  I actually left to go purchase some Baby Orajel after Madame Curie.  True Story.)

So yeah, Avery girl and the Mad Man go nuts over Baby Einstein.  Luckily, those folks were smart enough to add a Repeat Play button on the Main Menu.  That allows fathers to take care of the children on their own when the mothers go out to eat with their friends and don't want to take the babies.  So thank you Disney Corporation.

I am doing quite well as a father though, if I do say so myself.  I've only gagged like once (see above) and I'm not that much of a deadbeat.  In fact, I've actually learned several important things that I'm going to share with you now.  I probably should've known a few of these before, but I didn't.  So here goes:

1. Don't EVER mess with a happy baby.  I don't care what they're doing.  Leave them the hell alone.  
   
2. There are different sized nipples for baby bottles (who knew?!).
3. Dogs love dirty diapers.
4. The snot sucker squeeze bulb deal makes some seriously gross noises.
5. Dogs love the snot sucker squeeze bulb deal.
6. Babies don't enjoy watching X-Box 360 as much as I had hoped.
7. Related to #6, I still made it to 2017 on NCAA Football before they started staying awake.
8. Spit up can still happen even if the kid hasn't eaten in 2 1/2 hours.
9. Mark Lemke apparently listens to Elton John on his Verizon wireless phone.
10. Unless they're doing that 'crying so hard they can't breathe' thing, they're just wanting attention.
11. Baby monitors can pick up farts.  I heard it.  I didn't unleash it.
12. Handy Manny is actually voiced by Wilmer Valderrama.
13. The wrench on Handy Manny is the awkward guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
14. Wendy's is my favorite form of fast food.  Except for the one on Lake Harbour and Old Canton.  That one can burn in hell.
15. My sister can't take baby vomit.  
16. Maddux really likes throwing up on my sister.
17. Double strollers don't fit through most doors.
18. In the middle of the night, just act like you don't hear the monitor.  That way Becca wakes up instead.  It usually works.
19. Night games when it's 45 degrees = a bad idea with two month olds.
20. Babies are pretty much the coolest things ever.

So that's a very small sampling of the knowledge I've gained over the past half year or so.  I'll be sharing more over the next few weeks.  I just figured I'd give a quick update.  Now, if you laughed at any point, please leave a comment informing Becca to let me purchase my drum set.